stop being such a selfish bastard.
all i can think about is you.
this is not good.
not good at all.
i put on a confident front.
look as if i'm fine and ready to help everyone else.
now i'm crumbling at my own unstable emotions.
why are you so kind to me.
this kindness which i don't think i deserve.
yet it's what i yearn now.
far more than anything.
i thought everything was cleared and fine.
lying in wait for when the real thing would start.
yet i can't even wait one day without feeling like i'm going to break.
and it's obvious that i have brought this upon myself.
so i will suffer for it.
but i can't take this much longer.
as pathetic as it seems.
it looks like i haven't learnt my lesson.
stuck in square one.
you say sometimes you're in need of salvation.
and i'll tell you.
you have long become mine.
and i can't do without you.
i want to get over this childish attitude.
even with a bit of hope at the end i may be disappointed.
and i don't want to scream when that happens.
so i have to get over this now.
not to leave you behind, but to stop myself from obsessing about you.
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.
i can't even take a day of that.
the more i think of it, the less i feel like continuing this life.
obviously the world is cruel.
and i will live on.
for better, or for worse.
this pain i go through.
the pain i put myself through.
as a consequence of my own selfishness.
i will bear it for you.
for i will stop looking at only myself.
and even if that gives me the false hope that a selfless person will be more deserving of your feelings.
i wish you only happiness.
but i can't give you happiness now.
so i can only deprive you of sadness.
because at least a gray world of confusion and doubt.
is better than a black one.
i can grant you at least that.
so off i go.
because even if it doesn't pay off, it was the right thing to do.